I’ve been mother and a psychologist for 22 years. I used to be caught over-thinking, over-analyzing and trying to full-proof my son’s emotional life before I would take action. I’d over-process with my weary husband about the effects of discipline and influence over everything–regarding my son’s self esteem.
In therapy sessions, I’m often asked to help parents think about their children and their parenting. One of the main problems I see? Parents are busy being friends with their children, and not being firm authority figures. They don’t want to say anything that would make themselves unpopular. They do want to be helpful. They do want to make sure their children all the attention and support they didn’t get when they were young. John Rosemond, parenting expert, calls this the “helicopter parent”~ paying more attention to your children, than they do to you. Putting their needs, their tasks, their homework, their schedules at the center of the family evening. Why is this a problem? Because its creating a nation of over-indulged, under-achieving kids. And those kids become depressed teenagers.
Sir Ken Robinson, ingenious, entertaining education expert, stated in an interview that the 2 most important qualities our organizations need in their employees, in order to resolve the complicated world problems we currently face are:
1) the ability to creatively problem-solve
2) the ability to contribute in a group
Those qualities have become more rare. Ken Robinson is focusing on schools, while I’m going to help focus on the parenting. I’ll share the core pieces of what I have learned about becoming the parent of hard-working, resourceful, self-directing, cooperative, and confident kids.
First on the list, and the most important:
CHORES
1. Make sure your children are doing a daily chore. After the age of 2 or 3, children contributing to the household with a 5 minute daily chore can help a lifelong willingness into good citizenship when they’re older. It’s true! When they’re this young, use pictures to represent the chores. After the age of 6, when many children can read, begin a written chore list. Be sure to ask children to partake in deciding what chores on what days, so they have some influence. Remember to let children know there is a consequence if they do not do their chores. Usually, going to bed one hour early will quickly turn a reluctant child around!
2. When children are older, on weekends, 30 minutes of cleaning their bedroom, taking sheets off bed, dusting, and even vacuuming help with personal habits.
3. Never pay children money for doing chores! Allowance is a separate issue that teaches about money, and saved for another time. Chores are about learning to contribute to a family, and later the community.
Examples of 5 minute chores:
empty the garbage
cat box
help unload dishwasher
dust
sweep the kitchen
set the table
clean the sliding glass windows
pick up all toys
Remember, the importance of explaining the consequence, gently, but clearly. Going to bed early for not doing chores is something most children really dislike! Eliciting good behavior is correlated with enforcing the consequence. Tough love.
Laurel Holmes, ABs, LMHC 